The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down

How to Be Calm and Mindful in a Fast-Paced World

   

About the Author
Haemin Sunim is a renowned Zen Buddhist teacher and writer. His book has sold more than three million copies and was a number-one bestseller in South Korea for 41 weeks.

Summary

The World

People typically think that their minds are totally separate from the outside world and that there’s a distinct boundary between the two. But the Buddha teaches that the boundary is paper-thin and ultimately nonexistent. How you view the world negatively or positively is merely a projection of your mind. Your mind establishes your reality.
The world intrinsically is not good or bad, happy or sad; it simply exists.
Your view of the outside world depends upon your interests and what you care about. For example, living a busy life is usually a choice. The world does not care about your activities or responsibilities. You have the option of taking on fewer commitments. You don’t have to feel overwhelmed. A restful mind makes for a restful world.

“When your mind is joyful and compassionate, the world is, too. When your mind is filled with negative thoughts, the world appears negative, too.”

Serenity

Contentment is the key to serenity. It enables you to appreciate the company of those around you. Contentment also allows you to accept your past. You can drop your baggage and acknowledge negative feelings such as anger, stress and irritation. Awareness of your feelings changes your perspective and allows you to examine your emotions from the outside.
Awareness is always available to you. Do not allow negative feelings to build up inside of you; they are poisonous. Meditation, talking with someone or exercising can help relieve the toxicity. Combat painful memories by focusing on the present. Unpleasant thoughts will dissipate when you are in the here and now. You can tame your racing thoughts by being in the present. Don’t view the world through the prism of the past. Unpleasant memories can make you sad. Accept the fact that people and circumstances change. Try to live only in the present.

“When you criticize someone, see if you are doing so out of envy. Your criticism reveals more about yourself than you realize. Even if you are correct, people may still find you unappealing.”

Self-Compassion
Practice self-love. Acknowledge life’s challenges while staying compassionate toward yourself. When you experience overwhelming feelings, list all of your stressors on a piece of paper – including minor things such as responding to emails. Try to relax. Tomorrow you can take care of the items on your list. You’ll be in a good frame of mind when you wake up.

“When we are comfortable with ourselves and have accepted ourselves wholly, others will find us approachable and will like us for who we are.”

Don’t let criticism defeat you, particularly when it comes from people who don’t know you. Don’t be afraid of mistakes. Try to understand what they are teaching you, and accept those lessons with gratitude and humility. Find joy in life and look for humor, a fundamental part of living. Laugh at yourself and with others.
When you are feeling particularly needy and looking to others for consolation, try reaching out to people who need succor, and offer comfort. Assisting others will help you feel better. Caring for others and helping them succeed will brighten your mood. Acts of kindness elevate your spirit and self-esteem.

Negative Emotions

The first step in conquering negativity is recognizing when it’s driving your thinking. The second step is accepting rather than suppressing it. View negative emotions as “raw energy” instead of giving them labels such as “anger” or “hatred.” Accessing that energy can help you realize that a negative emotion is fleeting. It will either disappear or expose another emotional layer. Self-awareness helps you realize that negative emotions merely come and go; they do not define you. Embrace your negative emotions and release them. Get in touch with your subconscious through meditation. Silence allows you to access your innermost emotions.

“Having critics means what you’re doing is getting people’s attention. Have courage, and continue down the path you’re on.”

Pride

Practicing acceptance calms the mind in the midst of constant and rapid change around you. “Swallowing your pride” brings humility, opens channels of communication and allows you to hear everyone. Most people spend their lives resisting reality. 

“Everyone is kind to someone they meet for the first time. The question is how long their kindness lasts. Don’t be fooled just because someone is nice to you at first.”

One reality is that you can’t control other people that’s impossible. Most people have trouble controlling their own minds, much less other human beings. Other people will resist attempts to control them, just as you would. Allow others to have their beliefs and viewpoints. Trying to convince them to see the world through your eyes invariably creates arguments and hurt feelings. Resist the urge to react immediately when you hear something that angers you. Pride often leads to painful disagreements. Winning an argument can leave the other person with hurt feelings. Sleep on it before you fire off an email or text. Quick emotional responses often generate undesirable results.

True to Yourself

Enthusiasm is a positive trait, though it can negatively affect your interaction with others.

Find a middle ground between zealousness and effectiveness.

“With love in our hearts, we find even the most mundane things sacred and beautiful.”

Consider how many people will benefit from a decision you make. If ego drives a decision and needlessly harms others, it is wrong. Don’t save all your kindness and generosity for outsiders. Betraying or ignoring family members and close friends can turn your world upside down.
Don’t allow others to define happiness for you. Be true to yourself; do what makes you happy. Choose happiness over success, because you can be successful and miserable. If you are doing well in life, ask yourself whether you have taken advantage of or hurt anyone. Material possessions don’t compensate for the unhappiness that troubled relationships cause.

“Our consciousness may desire money, power and prestige, but our subconscious desires selfless love, harmony, humor, beauty, sacredness, peace and acceptance.”

Getting Along

Many people strive to live in a beautiful home, drive a classy automobile and maintain their youthful appearance. Developing solid relationships is not often as high a priority. Having fulfilling relationships with loved ones and friends enable you to overcome life’s challenges. Cultivating good relationships requires striking a balance between spending too much or too little time interacting. Even the best relationships require participants to have personal space. Enmeshment can create resentment. Avoid conflict by practicing respect and humility. Be genuine and honest. Telling someone that they hurt your feelings is much more effective than going on the offensive. Speaking harshly of others ultimately hurts you the most because negativity will take over your thoughts.

Forgiveness

Forgiving those who may have wronged you isn’t easy. But forgiveness is the only way to unburden yourself and live a happy life. During the process of forgiveness you may experience anger and bitterness. Your circumstances may seem unfair. Acknowledge and accept these feelings. Even though your heart may want to hold on to resentment, make the conscious decision to forgive. Look beneath the surface to see if emotions such as grief, fear or shame fuel your anger. Eventually, you may be able to show compassion toward your adversary. If you continue to clash with another person, perhaps you both share the same character flaws.

“No one is inherently good or bad. Only the circumstance in which we encounter each other is good or bad.”

Love

Like the sun, which provides sustenance to all living things, love is unconditional and encompassing. The more you chase love, the less likely you are to find it. Love will appear on its own time. Love occurs naturally without effort. Trying to love someone isn’t genuine love. Love is not enough to build an enduring relationship; that takes trust, and building trust takes time. Love means trusting another person and being willing to listen to him or her simply out of love. Don’t try to change or improve the people you love. Love means investing your soul in another human being. Infatuation doesn’t require responsibility or commitment. Infatuation focuses on your feelings more than on the other person’s feelings. You don’t have to do anything to prove your love; your presence is often enough.
“Rather than always seeking comfort from others, offer your comfort and listen to others. In the process of helping, you will be healed.”
Your feelings of love may not match the other person’s. Professing your love prematurely can be counterproductive. When a relationship ends, taking a small step away from your bitter feelings can help lessen your pain and keep you stable. Try not to rush into another relationship after one ends; give yourself “time to be whole again.” You can find love everywhere – not only in relationships. Find beauty in the world around you, and you’ll discover love.
True happiness is finding someone who accepts you as you are. Even successful people can feel inadequate if they believe they suffer grievous flaws. Happiness flourishes when you have positive relationships with those around you.

“Do not fight your negative emotions. Observe and befriend them.”

Life presents more of the mundane than the extraordinary and you may find yourself bored, which may be the result of not concentrating. Find contentment in routine activities such as driving to work or standing in line at the grocery store. Pride often stands in the way of honesty.

A Fact of Life
It’s a fact of life: Just as you don’t like everyone, everyone doesn’t have to like you. Don’t worry about other people’s opinions. Try not to be offended. Follow your heart to happiness. How other people feel about you is not your problem – it’s theirs. Life has twists and turns that are out of our control, so live with “panache and flair,” no matter what. Meeting people you admire will give you a boost of inspiration and optimism.

“One lesson of maturity is that we should not take our thoughts too seriously, and must learn to curb our ego and see the bigger picture.”

Thoughts

You can only think of one thing at a time, so be careful with your thoughts. Wise people prefer listening to talking. When you think you know something, you close your mind to new knowledge. Rigid beliefs can prevent you from seeing reality, but you can learn more easily if you are open and admit your deficiencies. Wisdom means looking at both the big picture and at specifics. Don’t race to solve another person’s problems. Listening with sincerity is often enough. Like a poor driver who brakes too often, a poor listener selfishly interrupts good conversations.

Acceptance

Beware of clever tricksters who make grand promises and flatter you excessively. They will make you feel like a winner while, in reality, they have won. Your desire for acceptance and approval doesn’t make you inferior; it’s part of the human condition. To counteract such feelings, help others by volunteering; it can enrich your life and increase your happiness. It doesn’t matter what initially motivates you to volunteer. Working part time or volunteering help you learn about yourself. You will also find out what work environments suit you.

“If we know how to be content, we can relax our endless striving and welcome serenity.”

Career

Some people know as children what they want to be when they grow up. Most people need years to find their calling. The passion to pursue a particular career is not necessarily innate; it can develop through every day experiences. Choose a career that interests you. Don’t worry about what others say. Rely on your instincts. Set goals in life that align with your hopes and aspirations – not someone else’s. The only person you should compete against is yourself.
Be aware of turnover rates when evaluating a potential job. The company’s size or the salary you earn is not as important as its focus and stability. Be wary of organizations that struggle to retain workers. Some employees mistakenly believe that working long hours or foregoing vacations define their value. In fact, how well you do your job and your contribution to your company is more important. No amount of money is worth sacrificing your freedom. Consider your options, make a thoughtful decision and follow through without hesitation.

“Choose happiness, not success, as your life’s goal. If you become successful but aren’t happy, then what is the point?”

Courage

Life comes with no guarantees. Be courageous. Take advantage when opportunities present themselves; you only get so many. Follow your convictions to chart your own unique course.